When a parent gets deployed
Continuous wars have demanded the deployment of our military all around the world. Over the past decades, our armed forces have been engaged in conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Yemen, Niger, Somalia, and many other places. The United States has troops stationed in almost every country. This could pose a problem back home. With the long or frequent absences of one or both parents having to leave, a tremendous amount of stress is placed on the kids who stay behind. Studies reveal that around 2 million U.S. children have been affected by a wartime deployment of a military parent in the past 10 years. This separation between a child and the parent can cause many consequences. In a study in 2010 in the Journal of Pediatrics, results showed that children of deployed parents had more emotional struggles than the national sample and the longer the length of the deployment, the greater number of challenges that these kids faced. Parental separation for kids at any age, can be difficult and even terrifying for some. Children generally react differently to their parent’s deployment depending on their age. For the kids that are old enough to understand the consequences of war; the constant fear of the deployed parent getting injured or never returning, is a battle for them. Some of their daily thoughts maybe frightening and even disturbing.
For the younger kids who cannot yet grasp the reason of why their parents are left, they can only experience the sadness and perhaps grief as they cry for their parents return. The notion of time varies with age and one day in their lives may feel like an eternity. The thoughts and feelings that they experience may not be properly articulated and expressed, yet kids hold onto to a lot of emotions inside. This new situation may generate irritability, anger, depression, and anxiety. Usually very young kids don’t have many coping skills set in place yet, making them very vulnerable to the new family structure. They soon begin to grieve the absence of their mother or father. Their anxiety from the separation manifests through their behaviors whether they become more withdrawn or begin to have behavioral problems at home and at school. The truth is that these kids and teens may greatly benefit from therapeutic support It is crucial that if they are struggling, that they receive appropriate help. In the meantime, there are some things that can be done to facilitate this new change in their lives. First, prior to deployment, parents should try to talk to their kids in a way that is age appropriate to explain that they will be leaving for a period of time. This is more helpful if done with more time in advance so that the children could have more time to process the future change. A few months or so prior to the leave would be more appropriate. Let the children know that they will be taken care of by the parent who is staying home, and that the other parent will try to communicate as much as possible with them from overseas. Keep lines of communication open, talk to them often, ask them how they are feeling, help them to make meaning of the absence by perhaps placing things into a better perspective. Children often time misinterpret information and they usually fill in the gaps with their own guesses when they don’t know how to ask questions. Ask what they have heard and understood and help them to correct some of the fears that they may be experiencing. The goal is to help them to reach a more comforting place; it is a difficult transition. Again, it is ok to seek support. If the kids are struggling emotionally or having behavioral issues, consider a referral to a therapist who will have the proper tolls and expertise to help them through this most difficult time in their lives.
Through therapy they would benefit from psychoeducation and will be guided into finding meaning of what is happening around them. A counselor could help by facilitating the verbal communication in children. The absence of a parent is overwhelming for the kids and even for the other partner. The duties of the other parent who is staying with the kids may double and take a physical and emotional toll on them. It will be necessary to frequently practice self-care in order to cope.
Support from friends and other military families going through similar struggles, may also help. In the meantime, try to keep the other parent as much as possible in that child’s life. One great way to accomplish this is by involving the child in letter writing or drawings that could be sent by mail. Finally, remind the absent parent to also keep in touch and connected through letters, phone calls and emails as much as possible. As simple as this maybe, the impact can be very positive. Trying to maintain connection is absolutely essential.
