Robbed
By Jamie Venezia
I lost someone very dear to me over Christmas Break. My Great Aunt Gloria or Auntie Glo as everyone called her. She was ninety-one. She had a full life spent cooking and dancing and laughing with everyone she loved. She had two children, a boy and a girl, who had their own children, but anyone who came in contact with her became family. She had a fabulous smile that radiated across the room infecting anyone who stood near her. She traveled to Italy and Japan, owned an antique shop full of our own junk, and had been invited to more parties than most people have had hot dinners. She truly lived her life to the fullest and had the best life possible.
So why do I feel so robbed?
She lived into her nineties which was incredible for her lifestyle and yet the first thing I thought when I received the news was: That’s not fair!
Why is it not fair? Why do I feel so empty or like me violently lost a limb resulting in phantom cramps and itches? Why does the most natural constant in our world, aside from sex and taxes, feel like the biggest violation and robbery ever to find humankind?
I miss her terribly. I regret every time I did something other than talk to her and hear her stories. She was not always physically in the room but she was always there! It hurts incredibly badly. It feels like a heart attack or like a pin repeatedly shoved into my hand. My head hurts all the time echoing her laughter that I know so well but sounds so damning now.
Why did she have to go? Why did she have to leave? Why did she take this permanent hiatus from life?
Now, in my selfish human mind, I turn the mirror back to me. What happens when I die? I always lived on the thought that maybe death is easier to accept as long as you go out with no regrets. How is it possible to rid oneself of regret?
She lived the fullest, funnest life in the world and yet I am still left unsatisfied. Did she ever see the Eiffel Tower? Did she ever go swimming without any clothes on? Did she ever read The Origin of Species while sitting on a beach in the Galapagos? Did she do absolutely anything she could? No. There are not enough hours in the day,
She did not do everything but her time is still up, and that frightens me. Does God or Buddha or Allah not wait before claiming a soul to see if they did anything they wanted to? Is this timed and whether or not you are done you are done? I am scared and I am facing my own mortality. I did what all desperate, sad people do: I turned to my faith.
I went to the beach for a walk and when I was there, I saw this perfectly formed, bright orange shell. It seemed like half a clam-shell. It was pristine and pearly and in that moment, I thought of Auntie Glo in her bedazzled attire. For twenty minutes I told that shell everything I knew about Auntie Glo. I told her about her parties and how she and my late Uncle Mike met while she was fixing her bra strap in the hallway of their school. I told the shell about the time she tried to dye my Uncle’s hair, and it came out a burnt orange and irritated his scalp red. I told the shell about her amazing cooking and calm demeanor in parties. I told it about her smile and her laugh and everything she’s taught me. After doing that, I threw the shell into the ocean. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Death, no matter the age or accomplishments, will always feel like a violation or a robbery. It will always feel unnatural and brash. Maybe what people need to do rob it right back. Maybe what people need to do to combat this is grab as many of life’s experiences as possible and stuff our pockets with as much loveliness and happiness as we can before we go. Maybe we need to just live as much as possible if only to make it easier to our family to let go.
After repeating to myself just how much she had done in her long life, I felt a bit better. It was easier to feel it as a list. It sounded longer and fuller. I realized all that she had done, I still felt robbed but it was a bit easier to let go as buried her in a shroud of all her own accomplishments.
Death will always be painful and sad but everyone has to let go.
Turn to your religion, or your family. Turn to books you enjoy or jokes you enjoyed hearing and then let go with a smile on your face for the person you loved and remember that you should not regret anything they have not done. Life is a robbery so take what you can and enjoy it while it lasts.
Make sure that your loved ones have enough stories about you to tell a shell on the beach so that they might be able to let go.
I love you Auntie Glo.
