Breakup – First step: accepting and letting go
by Flavia Mosci
Regardless of whether a breakup is one-sided or mutual, it is never an easy process. In the beginning, right after the separation emotions can take you on a downward spiral. You may experience feelings of extreme sadness, anxiety, panic, and depression. Others may feel that their heart just dropped and that their life now has lost meaning. This could could happen specially if you had made that person the center of your life; if they leave you lose that point of reference and it feels as if your life has just shattered. It is almost as if someone came and suddenly pulled the rug from under your feet; everything that was will now be different.
A breakup is especially difficult if you were not the one to have made the decision, the suffering maybe even worse from your side. Feelings of rejection and abandonment can become very intense. In that overwhelming state of grief, you may feel an intense need to reach out to contact your now ex, to try to bargain for them to stay and ask them for the 10th time why they have made such a decision. It is hard to understand especially when you felt as though they loved you as much as you loved them. Yet, none of this may help. Absolutely the hardest part to transition from will be that initial shock and denial stage. This is specially for people who are type A personalities who like to solve problems. To them this is a difficult stage as they may feel like a failure to solve this one. Yet, it is important to accept and realize that it is over. The quicker one can move through this stage and fully accept the breakup decision from the other partner, the better. Pay close attention to the action and behavior, not just the words that they left you with. Out of their feeling of guilt or even their worry about how you will feel over their decision, they may give you all kids of excuses of why they are leaving. Their reason may even be unclear, which makes it confusing to the one being left. The truth is that they do not want to be in the relationship with you anymore. The reality is very hurtful, but the person whom you loved did not consider and value your presence in their lives anymore. You absolutely would not want someone who feels this way to be your long-term companionship for life.
This is the time when you must take their decision literally and hold them responsible for this decision. Try not to blame yourself, give the responsibility for the decision to separate to the partner who decided to leave. Remember that if someone has abandoned the relationship and left you, this should be an automatic turnoff for you. Look at their actions and not necessarily their words at this point. As painful as it is, if they let you go, they are no longer interested and it would be a mistake to make any type of excuses for them; do not over think this. Let them go. Accept that the situation has been decided upon. If you were not enough for them, you never would have been, they simply do not recognize your true value.
During this first stage, it is essential to grab a hold of your thoughts. Start writing them down, keep track of them. Remember that your thoughts are likely to be in a deep state of alarm and shock at this time. It is likely that these are not good thoughts with so many negative emotions running high, however, this is a crucial time to pay attention to them. Our own thinking can add so much weight and pain to our already existing situation that we must stop and take responsibility to what thoughts we are allowing ourselves to think. We need to get out of the rumination. Again, do not try to over analyze the situation, take it for what it is. The person left, and they have the rights to their choice. We tend to fall into rumination after a breakup, and begin to wonder incessantly of why it happened, and what if this, and what if that. Some will let their thoughts go as far as to wonder what their ex is going to be doing after the breakup. This theme will only make one feel worse; it adds fuel to the already negative emotions one is experiencing. Yes, it is hard to accept a breakup specially if you still love that person but you should really get turned off by someone who does not want to be with you. Social media relationship expert Mathew Hussey reminds us: “If someone shows you that they are not interested or they don’t want you, that should be a turnoff.” “You not liking me is not a turn on”. Remember, the last thing you want is to be in a relationship with unrequited love. Next stages will be discussed in the next issue of Conexion. Join me via Facebook at Flavia Mosci!
